It's lonely out here.

Stream-of-consciousness post alert. Might regret this later. Might not.

I’ve been struggling more than usual for the past ten days or so — and I’m perpetually frustrated that I can’t say as much as I want to say about exactly why that’s happening. Suffice to say that, at work, with regard to coronavirus, we’ve been given a significant additional load to manage — and mentally, it’s sinking in that this is going to be a long, long row we’re all hoeing, both at work and at home.

And yet people aren’t wearing their fucking masks. I see friends in other cities and states who are going out to dinner, taking group photos, renting beach houses. It’s infuriating. And I’m not even as strict as some; I don’t wear one when I’m training (since I’m always alone)… but if I’m likely to encounter another human, even if it’s just a quick trip downstairs to check the mail, the mask goes on.

I saw a meme the other day about how “the people who have continued to wear masks and socially distance are the same ones who are used to doing the whole group project by themselves”… and it’s SO TRUE.

July is usually when healthcare providers start looking ahead to flu season — believe it or not, the first round of flu shots will start being given in just another month or so. And yet, here in North Carolina, we’re still in Phase II of lockdown — we haven’t even opened gyms yet (and honestly, our state is doing such a poor job of controlling the virus that there’s no predicted date in sight for when we will open). If things are this bad now, I can’t fathom what the fall and winter are going to be like.

The gym is obviously just a microcosm of the larger problem — it just happens to be the piece that stands out most to me because of its pertinence to my life. In the grand scheme of things, it is not what’s important (and I wrote a (long, public, sourced) Facebook post last week about where I think we stand right now on a larger scale). And also, I’m so much more fortunate than most; I’ve posted about that fact several times. I’m healthy. I have job security. I got my condo sold. I have access to training equipment and remote coaching.

But this week… well, frankly, this week I’m wallowing a little bit. It isn’t much fun to see my social media feeds full of people who are back on their rings and rigs and sleds and GHDs, while I’m still pulling all my equipment out of the car every morning and crossing my fingers for good weather.

Rest assured, I will do this for as long as I need to do it. When the cold weather comes, I’ll bring the setup inside. If I can’t swing on a pair of rings for another year, I’ll focus elsewhere and do a heavy squat cycle in the middle of my living room. This isn’t going to stop me.

But these moments where I dare to be resentful out loud — well, I’m going to post those too, because I don’t think we’re obligated to ‘stay positive’ all the time. Years from now, when I look back on 2020, I’ll want to remember how I really felt, not just how I told myself I ‘should’ feel.

And this week? I am feeling every single bit of this post that I wrote back in January. I feel lonely and overburdened. Wanting connection and yet too exhausted to reach out. Craving emotional support and resentful of the lack of it.

And to be absolutely brutally honest — I am getting damn tired of perpetually putting other people first, when (it feels like) the courtesy is seldom repaid.

It’s more than ‘just’ coronavirus. One of the best quotes I ever read from Justin Sua was something to the effect of, “When you decide to be great, prepare to be unrelatable.” It was actually really reassuring to hear someone else acknowledge that not many people live the way I do, and that it can be alienating or off-putting to others.

But that doesn’t mean it’s fun to be told I’m “obsessed.” (A vast oversimplification.) Or to have my mom say that if there’s a day when I don’t feel like training, that I should just not do it. (…THAT IS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS.) Or to have one of my oldest CrossFit friends basically drop out of my life altogether, after explaining that she doesn’t feel good enough about her own fitness to be able to be actively supportive of what I’m trying to do. (The world does not revolve around YOU. I deserve support — especially from the people who are close enough to this athletic arena to have a legitimate understanding of it.)

It’s lonely out here.

With a few (much-appreciated!) exceptions, I feel pretty misunderstood right now — which I think is probably part of what I was afraid of all along. Because I think I started this website, and the hashtag, and all the sharing — all the ‘showing of my work’ — in an attempt to make myself more relatable. To try to help people understand. (Because usually, with enough words, I can make people understand things.)

It’s not working. People don’t get it.

And I’m tired.

I know what I want; that hasn’t changed. I’m not stopping. I’m just tired, and the logistics of coronavirus are making me even more tired.

I’m tired of being invisible. I’m tired of being discounted. I’m tired of people not understanding what I’m about, not taking me seriously, not thinking I’m worth it. I’m tired of giving so much to other people all day every day, then still having to come home at night and also do every single one of the tiny tasks that supports my own life and my own highest priority (training).

I’m tired of doing everything alone. I want somebody to see me.

Which is exactly why I’m working this hard to begin with. Because this sport is the thing that’s pushing me to learn and grow the most as a human right now — and if I can work hard enough, if I can get good enough — then there will eventually be opportunities available to me where I’ll be able to meet others like me, other people who have walked this same path and learned these same lessons.

Chicken and egg. I would love to have more of a community while I’m working so hard to learn and grow and progress. But I also still have hope that, by reaching a certain point with that learning and growth and progress — that I’ll be able to build a community.

…Once we have a COVID-19 vaccine, that is.