Cut: Week 1

Here we go again. Weight cut—week 1.

I tend to post a lot during cuts, for reasons both ‘present’ and ‘future’. First, my brain tends to be very ‘busy’ when it’s calorie-deprived, and writing provides an outlet for that—but also, nutritional manipulation is one of those things that’s easy to ‘whitewash’ in hindsight. I appreciate having posts like this to look back on so that I can remember—for better and worse—what it felt like to truly be in the trenches.

I’ll further preface by saying that I’m having a difficult week. The biggest thing going on is that my condo is officially on the market (and, emotional implications aside, it is surprisingly tough to keep a thoroughly ‘lived-in’ home looking show-ready—like, “now which cabinet did I stick the bananas in so that they’d be out of sight?”). But also: we had a death in the family; clinic has been absolutely insane due to peak flu season + coronavirus fears; my car needed some expensive repairs… et cetera. No one thing is unmanageable unto itself, but it’s just a lot all at once.

I suspect other people in my circle may be having similar weeks, because my current sense of overwhelm is compounded by the impression that I’m speaking to an echo chamber—‘talking’ out loud, subtly seeking acknowledgement and reassurance, yet getting minimal response.

So here we are, writing.

Starting a cut during this particular week could have been viewed as a bad decision. But it’s like anything—there’s never an ‘ideal’ time; there’s just the time when YOU are really, truly, ready.

And that time is now. I’ve been extraordinarily patient for almost an entire year, putting one foot in front of the other, embracing the process, accepting that progress is not linear, acknowledging what I needed to do and DOING it—and now I’ve earned this.

Anyone who’s read any of my previous posts on this topic is aware that there were many months where I couldn’t imagine EVER wanting to cut again. The poor recovery, the horrible sleep, the constant soreness, the rougher-than-usual training sessions… all of those memories were very fresh for a long time. Part of why I was so afraid to mass in the first place is because I was already dreading the cut that would inevitably have to follow.

And yet, here I am: ready.

This time is already different, and I’m already incredibly proud.

I’ve been BRAVE for ten months. I did something very few women are willing to do. After two years of consistent dedication toward shedding body fat and then maintaining that smaller size—I finally decided I wanted progress badly enough to let myself GROW (in all the ways).

That was terrifying. I had worked so hard throughout 2017-2018—and it had been so validating. With weight loss, I had seen athletic progress for the first time in years. I got my first muscle-up; I ran my best marathon ever. I couldn’t imagine ever making progress as an athlete again if I allowed myself to gain weight.

But I also hadn’t PRed anything with a barbell in five full years. And I have big goals. So, at some point, I had to accept that there was nowhere left to go but up—literally.

I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to do that. But — in the spirit of total honesty — I also feel somewhat exasperated — because it seemed like nobody else saw it. They saw the resultant PRs, sure — but #showyourwork is about the ninety-nine percent. The magic happens in the gray zone. The PR itself is not the tough part. And the fact that nobody seemed to ‘see’ my actual work — the day-in, day-out, hard mental stuff — makes me think maybe I’m still not doing a very good job of showing it.

This new phase, now — I know how this one is going to go. Pretty soon, I’m going to start getting visibly leaner. Gymnastics will start to feel easier. People will start making positive comments. And that’s all going to feel really good.

But part of why I’m writing this now is so that I—and everyone else—don’t lose sight of the fact that whatever results may arise over these next few weeks are NOT the result of weight loss. A cut only reveals what’s already there. It can’t create muscle that the owner hasn’t put time, focus, effort, and CALORIES into building.

Whatever the result: it’s the past eleven MONTHS that created it, not these next eleven WEEKS.