Cut: Week 5

I swear things change on a dime the very instant I post about them.

First, the scale. Last week was rough, but as soon as I admitted that fact, we busted through the plateau in a major way. I saw 156.6 (!) on Tuesday, and although I’m not likely to see that number again for another week or so (until after my period starts), it was definitely reassuring to see that I’m still on the right track and that all this hunger isn’t for naught! Today is day 35 (the end of week five), and the math has ultimately worked out to be exactly a pound lower than last week, meaning I’ve got the green light to keep this same set of macros. (Which, incidentally, is what RP thinks should be my ‘base’ — so here’s your regularly scheduled plug for the benefits of long maintenance/mass cycles, because I’m pretty damn pleased to have reverse-dieted so successfully as to earn six weeks of weight loss at a level where most folks would be gaining or maintaining!)

Second, performance. The best word for this week is probably ‘uneven’. I knew this would happen eventually, but this was the first week where barbells started to feel noticeably shitty at times — and it happened so abruptly that I did not handle it particularly well. It definitely wasn’t all bad — on Monday, I matched my 5RM front squat, and this morning I actually PRed my deadlift (on a cut! who does that?!?) — but in between those two, Tuesday was one of my most frustrating barbell days in months. Nothing was ‘working right’; my movements looked rough and choppy on video; I broke down in angry tears more than once. However, of note, that was also the day that the weight plateau broke — I got home from the gym and discovered that the scale had finally seen fit to drop a full 3# basically overnight — so that sudden change was likely a contributor to why everything felt so ‘wrong’.

On the plus side: fueling is still going much better with the ‘training after one meal’ macro paradigm. The intrashake is usually sufficient now. I still tend to take a nibble of Smarties or Swedish Fish right before starting my metcon (the final / most intense piece of each day’s programming), but that extra 10-12g carbs is usually less in response to actual physical symptoms, and more just a ‘preemptive strike’ to reassure myself that I can actually make it.

And third, recovery. Which, knock on wood, is still going impressively well! Sleep is definitely getting ‘shorter’ — nights are usually 6-7 hours now, instead of 7-9 — but the overall quality is hanging in there. I still wake up sometime between midnight and 2am every night, but the ritual is consistent: get up, go pee, and have 3-4 swallows of milk on the way back to bed, whether I’m ‘registering’ physical hunger or not. Some nights are tougher than others, but so far, with that routine, I’ve consistently been able to get back to sleep within a reasonable time frame. And because I’m sleeping, the rest of my body is hanging in there accordingly. My right shoulder is my usual Achilles heel during a deficit (a mysterious lingering ache that doesn’t limit me, but also doesn’t ever truly disappear), and that hasn’t really shown up yet. I did start to feel it juuuust a tad after a particularly ring-dip-heavy session this week — but I promptly squeezed in with my awesome PT yesterday for some dry-needling, and she zapped everything back into behaving properly again (today’s deadlift PR may or may not have been a coincidence!).

So, in general, I’m okay. Objectively, I definitely would never have expected to feel this good at this point.

However, I also have to admit that I’m noticeably hungrier, crankier, and tired-er than last week. Seltzer is still coming in clutch. Walking through the grocery store is getting a little tougher, because I’m feeling more ‘bothered’ by the things I can’t have (and also because I’m craving variety and therefore am tending to walk out with items I don’t strictly ‘need’ — turkey pepperoni was today’s impulse buy). I’m also catching myself unconsciously ‘wanting’ to make different, energy-conserving choices in terms of my day-to-day activities (I won’t tell you the number of times I’ve contemplated taking the elevator up to my second-floor condo!).

But in terms of the big picture, I’m actually feeling pretty validated this week, because I’m finally getting the first taste of that reassuring visceral sense of my body starting to feel more like ‘mine’. That concept is tough to articulate; it isn't really about clothing fit or mirror reflection; it's the degree of comfort with which I move through the world. I usually describe it with the phase “relaxed confidence.” We don't realize how many tiny instincts go into our insecurities over our physical appearance (“let me unconsciously smooth this shirt out as I sit down”) — until there's suddenly some extra mental space where those thoughts used to be. 

I've written before about how I finally feel like I'm moving past the concept of numerical bodyweight, because nowadays, I can feel where I'm supposed to be. I've spent time in both a heavier body and a lighter one, and (as always) the ideal balance is somewhere in the middle. I'm in a sport that requires me to move heavy weights and perform tightly controlled gymnastics; where I have to be able to run fast and manage odd objects — and in a way, the vast array of tasks almost makes it easier to sense the ideal point on the pendulum swing. 

Because wherever I am most functionally fit (“across broad time and modal domains”!), is what my body is supposed to weigh. Not the other way around.

In the 130s, and even the low 140s, I felt ‘breakable’. I got a couple of muscle-ups; I ran a fast marathon — but there was also that day when I panicked under a 95# barbell, because it felt as though it might snap me.

And in the 160s (and definitely in the 170s), I felt ‘cumbersome’. I could move heavy weights — but my shoulders struggled with gymnastics control, running hurt my feet, and my day-to-day movements just didn't feel free or easy.

But in the 150s, I feel strong and fast. I'm sturdy enough to control a barbell, yet light enough to confidently execute gymnastics. I’m not ‘done’ here yet, but I can feel an internal difference this week, which is more motivating than any scale number could ever be. I still think my long-term ‘happy spot’ is probably 152-154# — but it may not be exactly where I think it is, and that’s okay too. The whole point of this process is to find out.

Overall, I notice that I'm losing weight at a slightly slower rate than I did on previous cuts; averages have only budged about 4# in the past five weeks. However, I’m told this is a common dynamic after massing, and it definitely makes a certain amount of sense. I know from my DEXA scans (and can see in the mirror!) that I have significantly more lean tissue now than I did during past cut attempts, so I'm hopeful that the slower rate of loss means that I'm preserving more of the good stuff. I’m not trying to hit a particular number anyway; my ‘hard stop’ is 148#, but that’s a ‘boundary’, not a ‘goal’.

What I’m seeking here is a feeling — the elusive middle of the Venn diagram, where that ‘relaxed confidence’ inside my body coincides with my most optimal performance place.

I’ll know when I’m there — and once I am, well, then the numerical label for that sweet spot becomes an afterthought at most. I’ve got more exciting things to worry about.